info desk nostalgia from the 2nd best UK comedy show ever

at the local bookseller’s…

---Hi, excuse me... I’m looking for a self-help book.
---Right, it’s over there under Self-Help. Help yourself.
---Thanks (not budging)… What I’m after is something for a woman, who’s in her thirties... maybe called Jan, who’s in a long-term relationship, possibly a bit too long-term, and she’s not sure if she should stay with the man and have children, or... start again and move on.
---Right. (Consulting computer...) Have you read Should You Stay With a Man and Have Children or Start Again and Move On?
---Yeah.. yeah, I thought it a little bit vague... Not specific enough... I want something more about men called Bob actually, who’ve already done the marriage thing and the kids thing and don’t want more children... men who are selfish like that.
---Right. (More computer...) Have you read Bob and How to Survive Him?
---Yeah, it didn’t help... no...
---No... (Computer search ongoing...).... Dumping Bob?
---(Shakes head, grimacing.)
---The Inner Jan?
---Oooooh... Scary.... Something more practical?
---Delia Smith’s Cooking for Jan?
---Not that practical... No, something more about Jan moving to the Lake District, and uh, and becoming a vet, gorgeous boyfriend, who could be a vet, too, if he felt like it, with a chapter on how it can all get a bit hectic but it’s saving baby animals for God’s sake...You know, friends sometimes bring ‘round stew... babies, babies, who knows... um. Have you got a book on how to become that?
---Just go, Jan.
---“Just go, Jan”!! Yes! I like the sound of that...
---It’s not a book.
---(Sheepish look.)
---(Points again to Self-Help.)

from Smack the Pony
(my transposition)